Friday, February 20, 2015

Boots to the Groin and Other Merry Adventures

So, I'm researching for my first video for YouTube.

Okay, technically not my first video in terms of stringing something together, putting music behind it, slapping it together after downing half a bottle of Jack Daniel's and thinking that it looks good, but more in terms of what an actual video for YouTube means. Gone are the times when any yahoo with a cheap generic camera or low-res camera phone could record some guy getting whacked in the front end of his bathing suit area with a shovel and expect it to be the next viral sensation.

Nope.

No, nowadays, putting a video up on YouTube means that your providing the internet with something "insightful" and "informative". Which means that you have to construct a channel and a brand where you are a professional on the subject you're filling the web with. Which means, if you put a video up of some guy getting scrote-slapped with a garden tool, the following week you might want to do a follow up video. Like say, the Director's Cut of the previous video. The following week might be, "Top 10 Gratuitous Nut Shots of 2014" or something. After all, continuity is key. People will want to tune in every week to see some unfortunate dude get neutered in the most wince-inducing way imaginable. Also, consistency is extremely important. You can't be all nut shots all the time and then throw in a video about SEO means, although technically, they're the same thing.

Author's Note: I went way too far out of my way to make a cheap joke comparing Search Engine Optimization with getting kicked in the nuts. I realize that it was extremely uncharacteristic of me to reach for the low-hanging fruit. Speaking of which, it appears that I might be slightly obsessed with the whole "boot to the groin" gag, and for that, I am extremely sorry for the whole thing. Groin injuries are not funny...kind of like SEO.

Another pillar of YouTube-dom, along with keeping your videos under certain length, use plenty of lighting etc., is something that I've been told about over and over again when it comes to writing for this blog, and that is: Write What You Know.

Of course. Write what I know. It's just that simple. Write what I know, and perhaps more subjects will follow. The problem is, I know a little about a lot and not the other way around. I could make videos about something I know very little about, but then I would probably not count on lasting too long in the community. So instead of going out on a limb and try to emulate what everyone else is doing, I decided to keep it simple. My first video, my first "real" video all about coming from Maine. After all, it's the thing I know most about.

Without giving too much away while at the same trying to encourage followers, I will say that it's impossible to talk about Maine without the subject of lobster rolls coming up at least once. So, blahblahblah research on lobster rolls to perhaps gain some information I might have missed that might make the subject more interesting. Right at the top of the Google search were sites where you could have lobster rolls shipped to you...

...Like this site...


From what I gather from the overall feel from the site, it's one of those hoity-toity/ Stonewall Kitchen/ Dean & DeLuca type stores where hoity-toity clientele order their hoity-toity snacks and eat on the their hoity-toity flatware with their pinkies raised as they dip in their fingerbowls. The kind of people who would only set foot inside of a Denny's if you put a gun to their head.


I stayed on this site perhaps a little longer than I should have. Not because I was particularly interested in anything they had to sell, but I couldn't tear myself away from this page. Why? Let me blow up the page with a little modification...


That's right, an entire pound of lobster salad...not a whole lobster, not a crate of lobsters, one pound of lobster salad. That means all the meat shucked from it's shell and mixed lovingly with mayonnaise, shoved in a disposable container and shipped with a half a dozen rolls. For $134.95.......





Again, without giving too much away because I might just use this in the video, I just wanted to point out how brazenly out of control this is. $134.95 to me doesn't just induce sticker shock, it just makes me want to break things. $134.95? Really? Did you honestly think that someone will pay $22.50 per roll? What, did you roll up in your yacht to Northeast Harbor, dine on the local fare and coo, "Mmmm...you know, darling, all of our rich friends would EASILY spend $30 on a frankfurter bun stuffed with seafood salad." All I can say is that it better be shipped in a gold-plated box crafted in the shape of the Arc of the Covenant. Yeah...this is definitely going in the video.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say that progress is being made and the channel will go live soon. Also wanted to point out that I'm going down a road that so few people dare to travel when it comes to working for themselves, and somebody is making a fortune on a northeastern summertime favorite. While I'm positive that making my living writing, producing and starring in my own YouTube videos is exactly what I need to be doing, I still can't help but think...

...I'm in the wrong line of work...

They're selling it for HOW much? Why didn't I think of that?