There was a brief moment a long time ago where I was completely fascinated with how the stars would dictate my path. Without giving it too much thought, I would start to line up and justify the random occurrences in my own life and allow myself to believe that the position of the stars had anything to do with it. I was a pretty hardcore, flag waving, cheerleader for this sign. Those were the days when I was trying to figure out my identity. It's some thirty years later, and my identity is not any more clearer today. Now whenever I read my horoscope, that is, when I feel like reading my horoscope, it's regarded with a glance. Now I know that most horoscopes are just generic platitudes to distract the reader from everyday society, if only for a few seconds. It's fiction. It's a condensed sci-fi novel.
Still though, there is something to be said when I read my horoscope at the END of the day instead of the beginning and noticing how often what's been predicted for my day came true. Although I regard my horoscope with a grain of salt, I can't help but lend my ear from time to time. Because even though there might be great swathes of time where I feel that it might be blowing smoke, there are weeks where it is eerily accurate. That is the time when it deserves an audience.
Today will be the beginning of the third week in my quest for employment or to be self-employed and I'm looking back at the past week. By Wednesday, I was indeed feeling like I had a clear(er) vision of my future and it felt like I was making the right decisions and through that, everything would start to fall together. Everything had purpose and I couldn't wait to put things into motion, to become the Captain of my own ship and sail off into that sea of prosperity. After all, the wind was musical and it's just what I needed to fill my sails.
By Thursday, I was curled up in a fetal position in bed.
Fear and doubt has a tendency to creep in whenever I catch myself not doing anything. My chores are done, personal and financial obligations have been met, things that I would usually space out throughout the week have been taken care of immediately because I have lots of time on my hand. It's that gap of time that is now vacant that disturbs me. By Friday, I'm usually ready to pack it in, and not in a TGIF kind of way. More like a, "Well I'll guess I'll hit the rails and be a hobo for the rest of my life" kind of way. It's an emptiness. It's the void that is staring back.
It's a pattern. I start off the week with great inertia only to find out that I've burned myself out mid-week. It's frustrating. Partly because there's a part of me that is still hanging on to that old concept of "I have no job, therefore my life is over" and partly because I'm still trying to come to grips with my new mentality of going out on my own.
I'm not kidding myself. I know that self-employment is tough. Going through the motions of sending out resumes and going through the motions is even tougher. There's a part of me that is still used to being employed and living in a world where the jobs are plentiful. The fear comes from knowing that that's not the case anymore. Doubt comes from the feeling that any can-do attitude that I put forth into the universe will be crushed and devoured.
But Monday always comes, and perseverance comes from the fact that I am a Capricorn. I was born stubborn.
Just because there's no clock to punch in to, doesn't mean that there isn't anything else to do. In order for me to keep my sanity, I think I'll have to stick to a regiment of my own design: The Capricorn Initiative.
- Spend the AM Hours Job Hunting: This should not take too long. Two or three is all it takes. Fill out applications, answer emails and send out resumes. Don't be so eager to get through them so quickly. Save some for later.
...That was easy...
- Take An Hour or Two to Network: It is highly unlikely that a potential employer might respond a few seconds after applying for a job. Calm down. Take the time to read articles. Take the time to respond to articles (I've taken a fondness to G+ and the assorted groups who inhabit it). Take the time to write, you never know what might come of it. Blog. Contribute. Become a functioning member of society.This is your time. Use it wisely.
- Devote Some Time Later to Pursue Your Goals: This means research and develop. For me, it's working with Adobe Illustrator so that I may someday become freelance. Navigating my way around that program takes time without a mentor looking over me. I want to learn it. Learning takes time. Take the time.
Allow some time to dream
- Finally, Learn to Relax: Today is Martin Luther King's Birthday. That means the kids are home from school. So far, this year has had some extreme weather patterns for Florida; temperatures within a stone's throw from freezing. My youngest has not had the privilege of growing up in the Northeast. She has only a fleeting concept of what it's like to be chilled to the bone. For the past few days, she's been wanting me to take her to the beach and I've always countered, "No, baby, it's too cold outside." Today, I might just take her up on that. I could use the fresh air. I think I should get into the habit of taking a walk in the afternoons. If anything to clear my head.
|My youngest the last time we went to the beach in the winter|
"You may be feeling very determined about a decision or opinion. You have come to a conclusion after a great deal of thought, and you probably feel certain that you are right. But maybe you aren't right, Capricorn. Maybe there are aspects of the situation immersed in your version of things that you have stopped being objective. But if you try to take a fresh look at the situation--as though it is the first time you thought about it--you may find that your viewpoint has changed." --My horoscope. January 20th, 2014.