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Formal Response to the Robot Who Emailed Me.

I wake up this morning, looking forward to sipping my coffee and going through my new morning routine of updating contact information and scouring the want ads. Perhaps, later on, I'll put the finishing touches on a writing project I'm working on and maybe taking some courses that might bolster my resume. I have been looking for employment for about a week now and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm not qualified for anything.

Nevertheless, I will not let that deter me. I would like something, but I know that I have to wade through an ocean of no's in order to wash up on that tiny, deserted island of yes. So as I said, I wake up this morning, fire up my computer, sip my coffee, send the kids off to school, check my email and the first thing in my inbox is an email with the words JOB OPENING in big, bold letters in the title.

Wiping the last of the sleep from my eyes, I opened it up and couldn't help feeling like a kid on Christmas Morning getting exactly what he wanted.

At least, for a minute or two.

Then, I re-read it. And the magic sorta dissipated with the dignity of a fart in church. To be honest, if I would have received this email in my twenties and looking for work, I would have fallen for this without question. But I'm not in my twenties. I am much older, wiser, jaded and battle-scarred. I would like something, but I'm not at the point of desperation where I'll just fall for anything.

What? Someone taking advantage of my situation with intention of stealing my personal information and hijacking my life? Seems legit...

For delight, amusement and target practice, I have saved a copy of the email and lovingly rendered it in Paint to enhance the mocking! OBSERVE!

In case you can't read it (I know you can't because I can't. I apologize), the body reads:

Dear Applicant
We have reviewed your resume posted on EMPLOYFLORIDA and believe you Are qualified for the Data Entry position you are yet to occupy. We have forwarded your resume to the Head of Operation.  Mrs Tricia Hale.  She will like to conduct an online interview with you on Wednesday 15th of Jan 2014  9:00am EST  to discuss more about the Data entry Position that you are yet to occupy.

Set Up a Screen name with the yahoo Instant Messenger online at   and add up the Head of Operation to your buddy list.

Her Screen Name with Yahoo Instant Messenger is:tricia.hale
If the time is not convenient to you feel free to email Mrs. ********* at this Email Address:   *****

She will be waiting to talk to you on yahoo messenger right away.

Okay, so many things wrong with this. Keep in mind, I'm applying for Auditing positions. Scarce as they may be, it's what I did at my previous place of employment and I've kind of got a taste for it now. These days, I'm pointing out discrepancies in everything. Especially when it's personal like this. Let's pick this turkey clean, shall we?

1. Generic Greetings with Generic Titles coming from Generic Authors: M'kay, so already off to a rousing start. Jobberman's a real person, right? I think I might have gone to high school with a Jobberman...or maybe it was a Matilda? I dunno. I get those two confused ALL the time. "JOB OPENING" Great! Who's offering it? Do you have a license number? A web site? How about a LAST NAME or a REAL NAME to start off with? If you lack these things, if these pieces of information aren't the first few things that you start off with, then you're on the fast track to be shut down. It's a habit I developed dealing with telemarketers: if I pick up the phone, say "hello" and a voice doesn't respond in two seconds, I hang up because it usually meant that it's a person preparing their script or a bot hitting the play button. If you can't identify yourself immediately, then you don't exist. Buh'bye.

2. Congratulations! You Received Google's Yellow Band of Spamitude!: Hmmm, Google couldn't
verify that this email was sent by a human. Oh, but that's okay. Everyone that emails me something is a real person. The Internet told me so. Hey, if some nameless person emails me to let me know that they are giving me an interview for an as-of-yet unnamed company, it's TOTALLY real, dude! In fact, I'm going to respond them right away to thank them for the opportunity....oh, but wait.....

3. Already Feeling Important: ...if I just glance at the first sentence of the first paragraph, you state that "...we have reviewed your resume...". Well, if you did indeed review it, you'd know that my name isn't "Applicant", Jobberman. Geez, it's almost as if we didn't go to the same fake high school together or something.

4. The Department of the Redundancy Department Called....: Yes, I know that there's a position that I've yet to occupy, but is it so important that you point it out twice in a row? With the same wording? Are you half asleep and spamming people again, Jobberman? Heh...same old Jobberman, up to his crazy antics again.

5. You want to talk to me...HOW?: Here is where I had to shake my head and make these people my personal whipping boy for most of the morning. I've been around the block more than a few times and I've been on my fair share of interviews over the years. I have had responses ranging from a quick phone call to well written and elegant rejection letter that was mailed to me through the post office (it was from an auto parts dealer looking for part-time workers. I was depressed but impressed at the same time). I can say that this is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the first time that a potential employer wanted to conduct an interview through instant messaging, regardless if they are using Yahoo's or not.

Over the past few years, I have learned a few pointers in constructing and maintaining a relevant resume so it would be pleasing if not passable by any potential employers. The #1 thing that everyone that dispenses advice for a living on this topic is: If an employer sees the words "Netscape", "Aol", "Hotmail", or "Yahoo" anywhere on your resume, you will be immediately be regarded as someone who doesn't know what they're doing and as such, will have your resume placed lovingly in the "Circular File". I have a question for you Jobberman: If any of the above are considered verboten by any employer, if any of these things are considered a laughing stock to anyone with a college education, then how the hell do you expect me to take you seriously as a person, as a company, and as a future employer when you are using those very items I'm told to avoid? Or maybe you're just a poorly constructed and ill-conceived scam?

Yahoo Messenger? Really? Couldn't join the rest of the Twenty-First Century and use Skype or Google Hangouts? No? Couldn't just send a simple email arranging an appointment for an interview? Couldn't pick up a phone? No? No, you chose to conduct business on a platform that is mostly inhabited by pedophiles, perverts and scam artists. You chose to conduct an interview where I have to divulge personal information on the one platform where practically anyone can see it? Right. Let me chat with someone whom I've never heard of, who works for a company that has no name, no phone number and no physical address to speak of and give them my name, my address, my phone and social security number and keep my fingers crossed that I might be employed, while at the same time unravel the mystery as to why my credit card is maxed and my bank account is wiped out. You chose to conduct business in a virtual back alley. Son, you are really, REALLY bad at this.

6. Well, Nice Talkin' To Ya!: Really? No "Sincerely, Jobberman" with signature, email address, phone number and such? No hugs and kisses? Nothing? Well, hunh. I didn't feel like talking to you neither.

This. Is. Not. My. First. Rodeo. I've been a target of scammers for a few months now. I've been targeted so often that my full-time job should be rounding up these wastes of flesh and sending the FBI after them. I'm going through a reputable, state-sponsored agency and here you come preying on people's fear hoping that someone might just trip up.

I regret to inform you, Jobberman or whatever your name is, that I will not be able to attend the aforementioned interview on the grounds that you are a complete fucking idiot. Thank you for the opportunity, but I feel that I must seek employment elsewhere.

Go back to Craigslist, you moron!

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